Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
