well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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