ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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