I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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