I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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