i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
this is an emotional support booty call
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
