i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize