I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Your cock deserves a montage
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
