I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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