I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
