sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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