Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
