Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
