A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I am puke
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm jealous of your bromance
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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