Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
