Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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