There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
