if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize