You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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