Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
