dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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