Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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