if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
its not stalking. its research.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
True strength comes from lack of pants
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
