how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Did I show you my penis last night?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
