My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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