I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
