Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
