life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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