Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
