I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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