I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Randomize
