this boner is exhausting
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize
