just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
