can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He better not be in your backpack
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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