I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
