i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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