Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
