I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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