Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
