Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
