I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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