Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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