he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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