he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
