Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
why do cheetos always look like penises
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
