it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
