you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
