dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
