I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize