That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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