I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
