Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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