My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
