It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
