Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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