Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
