we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I wish life had little blips of pornography
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
