In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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