Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
