are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
